I cannot imagine carrying those burdens along with me this past year. There was so much I needed to say to you, so much I needed to release and forgive in those moments I spent at your grave. I’ve been thinking about how grateful I am that I got to visit you at the cemetery just weeks before this pandemic really took hold. But I have not given up, though there are times when I’ve really wanted to. There has been a lot of grit and determination involved on my part. But I have also done the very hard work through therapy and I know it is not resiliency alone that has carried me forward. The good news is, I have learned that I have the resilience to pick myself up again each time. Some days when I am stronger they are like a painful jab, and when my wounds are open, they can take hold and bring me to my knees. I have learned that triggers about suicide loss lie in wait around every corner and navigating them can be exhausting. It can be a fleeting thought that comes on its own, or it can be a trigger that brings about a tsunami of remembrance and pain. And if I am being honest, each day is still touched by the way in which you died. It took so many years of wading through layers of trauma to reach that place. It has gotten easier to think about you in life, to hold some of the more joyful moments that we shared. How I remember you varies from day to day, sometimes from moment to moment. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about you. In some ways, it feels like a lifetime has passed, and in other ways, it feels like it was just yesterday. It’s hard to believe that today marks 6 years since you died.
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